Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.