My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
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Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
the clam before the storm
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.