Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Me checking my bank balance online.
Only Americans understand
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive