My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
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what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
Many hands make light work
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”