My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
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Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
cyclists
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.