Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

And bowling should be called pinball

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”