Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:

Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!