Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

Tell me you get it…🤣

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”

Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.