my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
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I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat