My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
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GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair