My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
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B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines