Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings