My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
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[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
the prophecies have been fulfilled
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything