Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

My plans: 2020:

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

Never deleting this app.

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone