My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
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Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified