My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
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Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
This January has 47 Mondays
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.