My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
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I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.