swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?