Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?