Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

seriously you guys

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what