My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
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I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?