My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
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It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
Our lord and savoury.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ