I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
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How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
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went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Cannot stop laughing at this
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?