My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
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Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal