My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
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Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Unexpected Judgment
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.