My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I’m giving up for Lent.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
phew
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
