My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
The happy life.. 😊
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
