Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

yeah not falling for this one

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

Nigella has gone too far this time.

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.