Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

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“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?