My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

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Texts son – to come and hand me my drink 5 feet away

God he’s lazy, took him ten minutes to reply


My imagination ran away with me, but we’re both out of shape and didn’t get very far.


[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities


A wine tasting? Where people SPIT OUT precious wine?! Sure, maybe we could go to the humane society and watch them put puppies to sleep too.


If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.

*including zombie apocalypse


Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.


A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”


Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.


AGE 21: I haven’t slept in 3 days cause of finals but I’m gonna party all night and do a pub crawl tomorrow

AGE 35: Sorry I’d love to come to dinner but my eye is watery and I’m gonna be resting for the next week


There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.