@Jandalize

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

You Might Also Like

@noneofyours99

Texts son – to come and hand me my drink 5 feet away

God he’s lazy, took him ten minutes to reply

@certifiable_end

My imagination ran away with me, but we’re both out of shape and didn’t get very far.

@girlnarly

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

@SaraMansford

A wine tasting? Where people SPIT OUT precious wine?! Sure, maybe we could go to the humane society and watch them put puppies to sleep too.

@Snarfernini

If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.
Ever.*

*including zombie apocalypse

@Hobo_Splendido

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

@Knorg

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

@GlennyRodge

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

@Home_Halfway

AGE 21: I haven’t slept in 3 days cause of finals but I’m gonna party all night and do a pub crawl tomorrow

AGE 35: Sorry I’d love to come to dinner but my eye is watery and I’m gonna be resting for the next week

@PMTheron1

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.