[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
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One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”