Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

who’s gonna tell her?

This dude got his own movie?

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

How it started: How it’s going:

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people