[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
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Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do