Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!

“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”