Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute