My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
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I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
😎 🍻
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property