My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
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*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.