My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
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You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
Noted.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?