My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
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Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Worth a try
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
