My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
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Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.