My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
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Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Meow
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
When you let grandma cat sit
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.