My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
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I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners