My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
make up your mind
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
can’t bark with your mouth full
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
