My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
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[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me: