Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

[coffee shop]

BARISTA: may i help you?

GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin