Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.