Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.