My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
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it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
shut up and take my money
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort