@SardonicTart

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

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@mattgallo123

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

@leshnevsky

Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

@dmc1138

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

@littlemy

tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.

@roostermustache

Me (in jail): hey officer these bars are made of iron, not nickel

Cop: ya so what

Me: so it’s a nickel-less cage

Cop:*macing me* son of a

@Sassafrantz

Me: There’s nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week.
Tequila: We’re gonna fight every girl in this bar!

@Ms_Moneypenny_

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.