My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
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The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face