My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
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My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.