Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

Anyone want a chair?

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

Not😆🤣

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.