Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

😂

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…

Me: $3,800

Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…

Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.

Salesman:

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs