My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
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My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
We like the way Dwight thinks
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all