Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away

A bird: you’ve got me there

Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is

A bird: pardon

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.