Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

can’t catch a break

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

everyone has that one prude friend

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.