Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

Introverted vegans go meetless

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.