My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
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who wore it better?
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”