My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
