My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
handsome & gretel
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
