My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
