Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

Just grow your own

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?