Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?

In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.