My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
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ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.