Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.