my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
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Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!