Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you need a laugh.. 😅

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser