Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

Denise please return my vape pen

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”