Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
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It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?