Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[my 1st day as a getaway driver]
bank robber: [jumps in car] “go go go go”
me: [reaching under my seat] “how do you make the seat go back?”
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I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.
Sorry I said you looked like black Garfield in your Catwoman costume.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.