@KeetPotato

[my 1st day as a getaway driver]
bank robber: [jumps in car] “go go go go”
me: [reaching under my seat] “how do you make the seat go back?”

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@3sunzzz

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

@IjeomaOluo

FYI: Telling an atheist you will pray for them as some sort of insult is about as threatening as telling them that you are going to take a nap for them.

@PaperWash

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

@CroweJam

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

@jctwritesstuff

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

@GrantTanaka

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

@juneohara65

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”