@KeetPotato

[my 1st day as a getaway driver]
bank robber: [jumps in car] “go go go go”
me: [reaching under my seat] “how do you make the seat go back?”

You Might Also Like

@thedad

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

@UnFitz

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

@skittle624

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

@007Pepe_Rex

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

@LackOfShame

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

@WheelTod

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

@Wuttercuerk

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

@_steamy_mac

If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.

@SamuelHLowe

Sorry I said you looked like black Garfield in your Catwoman costume.

@OrangeFact

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.