[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
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*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
😂🐈⬛
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?