Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”