Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

Would you wear it?

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah