[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
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3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn鈥檛 scared she was testing to see if I鈥檇 snitch
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You don鈥檛 have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Parents: Don鈥檛 play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here鈥檚 a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn鈥檛 be feeding them this crap
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 馃檨
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don鈥檛 you use the rolls that you鈥檙e buying
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
scientist: I鈥檓 gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you鈥檙e cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ