[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
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Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Mountain Goat : )
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.