My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
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“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
i will avenge u mr van gogh
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.