My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
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I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.