My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
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Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF